Alive
by Bookman230
Summary: What is Kira's end goal? Why is he doing all of this, really? And what is Light staring at? During a late night of investigation, Light stares, L thinks out loud, and things get a little awkward.


It was one of those nights. The long kind, where you think the answer's right in front of your eyes, just on the tip of your brain, but you just can't _see_ it, and you spend all night trying to. The rest of the team had long since gone home and to bed, but Light and L worked on, reviewing the evidence. Surprisingly enough, despite how the handcuffs would force one of them to go to bed or do work even if they didn't want to, they seemed to just… mutually agree on this course. Nothing was spoken, they just… knew the other would agree. Not for the first time, Light thought on how strange it was. The first person he felt such a deep connection and mutual understanding with was _L_. The man who, despite any sort of evidence to the contrary, believed him to be Kira. The man who locked him up for weeks (admittedly, at Light's request, but c'mon, he was desperate and not thinking straight, mind caught up with what was 'noble' and what would prove his innocence. Even when Light had quickly found his common sense, L still wouldn't let him go), had his father fire a blank at him, and handcuffed him to his person. And yet, here Light was. Working more closely and more seamlessly with this man than he had with anyone else before, even his own father.

They were a good team. And if Light entertained the thought of further investigations together, of even becoming _partners_ … he didn't let it show. God knew L would tease him in that stoic, seemingly serious way of his, or somehow see it as further proof of him being Kira ('I see. You wish to keep as close an eye as possible on your biggest threat. Control it from the inside. Clever. Certainty of you being Kira; 12.3%,' or whatever asine percentage he'd make up this time). The fact remained, however. Before this, before _L_ , he had been feeling… depressed. Lost. Cynical. He couldn't see the point in it all anymore. But whether it was the instrumental work before them of bringing Kira to justice, or even L himself, or some combination thereof, Light now felt… Alive.

Light snuck a look away from his papers and at L from the corner of his eye. L was looking into his computer screen, that same old determined look in his eyes. Some would misinterpret it as lazy or unfocused. But they never had that stare turned onto them. It was piercing, especially enhanced by the dark shadows under his eyes. Almost like he knew too much, if such a thing were possible. A million thoughts were forming and being dismissed behind those eyes. Light's eyes trailed down. He was surprisingly toned. Lean. Light had been on the receiving end of one of his kicks. Despite appearances, L was flexible and skilled. He was sitting the same way he always did, or else his reasoning would drop by '40%'. Yeah, right. Still, that crouching proved he was flexible. Sitting like that so often would give you scoliosis otherwise. His eyes went back to L's face, his slender cheekbones, the willowy curve of his chin. Light's mind went back to that girl at the university, who actually thought L was 'cute'. Her friends had made fun of her for it, and even Light was perplexed by the thought at the time, but now… he could actually see that. Light knew he was considered attractive; Misa and other admirers were proof of that. But truthfully, looks of his kind could be seen in any TV show or magazine. L… L looked unique. The messy hair that somehow congealed into one daring whole. The plain, simple outfit he wore every day. L didn't care how he looked. He woke up like this. He woke up looking… unique. Nobody looked like L. Nobody thought like L. There was nobody like L, period.

"What is his end goal?" L mused aloud, voice cutting through the quiet. Light focused his eyes.

"Hm?"

"Kira's," he said, like it was obvious instead of a non-sequitur, like they didn't know already. "And not Higuchi. He's obvious, he wants nothing but power, nothing but the opportunity to further his standing. I mean the Kira before him. Or behind him, as the case may be." It was true, Higuchi was undeniably _a_ Kira, and seemingly the only one active at the moment. But Light agreed with L; Higuchi's modus operandi didn't match the initial killings at all. The business related killings only started happening in conjunction with the criminal killings lately, and it didn't make sense for Higuchi to start off only killing criminals. It didn't make sense that he'd care about killing criminals at all. There had to be someone behind him. The point of contention between him and L was that he obviously didn't agree with that Kira being _himself_.

"I thought we knew it's the creation of a new world with himself as God? Hence the killing of criminals, and using the same sign- heart attacks- for most of them."

"Yes, but _after_ that. When- if, rather- he wins. What then?" L's eyes were centered on him, eagerly awaiting Light's answer.

"You mean… how would he rule?"

L nodded, apparently satisfied that Light caught onto his meaning. "In part, yes."

"Well…" Light sat up, getting interested in this thought experiment, "I think… if I were him, and not a single word, Ryuzaki," L raised his hands up in peace, "...He wouldn't reveal his face or his name, even if he won."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Put a face to a god, and they start seeming vulnerable. Flawed. Mortal. Besides, it would make him a target. Even when he's won, there could be people who've hidden their opposition for him, whether it be because morals or power or whatever reason, long enough to strike."

L held up his pointer finger. "But he is _not_ a god. As far as we know."

Light nodded, thinking. "That's a good point. Presumably, he'd die of old age _eventually_ , no matter what he did. But he couldn't just let it all end with his death. He clearly would want this new world to last. And this is a guy who thinks the way to that new world is killing people. He doesn't have enough faith in others to think it'd endure without him. If the theory that he can somehow pass his power on is true, I assume he would pick a heir. Someone who he approved of, who matched his morals, his goals."

L hmed, sounding pleased at Light's thinking. "Exactly my thoughts. But what about when the successor grows old?"

"Then they choose their successor. And so on and so forth. Each making sure to build up Kira's mythical reputation, taking steps to ensure they seem like the same Kira. As far as the world knows, Kira's immortal. Eternal. They could never stop his reign, and it's everlasting."

"Yes, that is likely his plan. But it's doomed to fail, and with his intellect, some part of him knows that."

Light nodded again. "I agree. History's always shown that no matter the goal or morals or power, people will find a way to corrupt it. Monarchies, religion, government. Hell, Higuchi and the board are proof of that with Kira already."

"Quite. Yes, perhaps the first Kira is smart enough to find a genuine successor, but will all of them be? The further down the line goes, the more likely it is that the next Kira will trick their predecessor into thinking they're genuine, and then stray from the original. It couldn't last. And Kira knows that."

"So what's your point, Ryuzaki? I doubt you brought this up just as a thought experiment."

"My _point_ is that Kira knows this. He's too smart not to. But he's willing to ignore it, because deep down, that's not what he _really_ cares about. He cares about his reign. And he cares about the challenge. The thrill. Nothing else. Like every bad king, he wants to rule on top until his death, lapping up the glory and power and adoration. He couldn't care less about his heirs. And he couldn't care less about the rightness or stability of his new world. All he cares about is it being around for himself to rule it, and the process of getting there. In fact, I bet if he _did_ manage to secure his victory… he'd be bored with it. He'd start longing for a challenge again. It's not morals that spur him. It's fear. Fear of being bored, of standing still, of living, but no longer being… alive." The pause was heavy, and so was the word. It sounded as if somehow, L knew just what was on Light's mind. Then he looked into his eyes, that piercing stare on him again. "He's lying to himself if he says any differently."

Light met his eyes, maintained eye contact, almost defiantly. "Yeah. We agree on that." I am not Kira, he thought, as if that thought could somehow reach L's brain. They maintained the stare for a few moments more.

But L broke away first, eyes returning to the computer screen. Light thought that was the end of it, until L said offhandedly, "I noticed you staring. And I don't even have cake this time."

Light's eyes widened, just slightly. "So were you."

L made a noise of disagreement. "No," he replied, elongating the word just slightly, "Before I said anything. You were staring."

Light chuckled, not unkindly. "Don't flatter yourself, Ryuzaki."

"Now why would I be flattered? All I said was that you were staring. Unless you have something to share about why? Are you… interested in my computer? It's nothing that astounding, I promise." His tone sounded almost completely and genuinely curious. Nobody else would've noticed the light teasing note in it, or the ever so slightly upturned lip.

"Let's just get back to work," Light said, lacking any other response.

"You can stare," L said casually. "I don't mind. Many people stare at me. Granted, most don't the way you do, although there was this girl at the university I noticed was staring at me in a similar way you just were-"

"Can we work, please?" _Damn_ that L. He was not blushing, not even a little! He wasn't! And he wasn't forcing it down either!

L hummed. "Alright. Since you said please." A moment's pause. "Of course, I assume by that you mean _me_ working, while you continue taking me in-"

"Could you _please_ not say it like that?"

"Like what?"

"You know like what."

"I- oh." His eyes widened just a touch, like he really was only realizing it now. Sure. "Hm. I hadn't pegged you as a victim of gay panic, Light."

"I'm not. Ryuzaki panic, however…"

"Clever. Also hurtful. You wound me."

"I'm joking, Ryuzaki. You're good looking in your own way."

L seemed genuinely surprised now. "Am I?"

"Er… yes. I'm not saying you're exactly conventionally attractive, but not everyone _wants_ conventional. Your tall, wiry frame. The dark circles under your eyes. The enigmatic personality and calm voice. It hits some people's buttons."

"Huh. Thank you, Light."

"I… it was nothing."

"I'd be lying if I said you weren't attractive as well. And not just conventionally." Light almost sputtered. And a sound came out of L that sounded suspiciously like chuckling. _Chuckling_. _Bastard_.

"…Oh?"

"Of course. Your intellect is like no one I've seen before. Your sense of justice is quite unique. And your smile…" He trailed off.

"...My smile?" Light picked up.

L shrugged. "It is no wonder so many find it charming."

"Well… thank you, Ryuzaki. That was… really kind."

"It was nothing. Just objective observations. Now. I'll let you get back to staring at m- I apologize. Back to 'work'." Light glared at him. "Starting already, I see." L didn't even bother hiding his smile this time before returning to work.

L might make him feel alive, but dammit, if he kept this up Light might wind up killing him.


End file.
